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Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

Writing by HopingForColorInLife

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Submitted on
August 27, 2013
Submitted with Writer


22 (who?)
the things I never said
haunt me day and night 
regretful little ghosts 
trying to cause a fright
words and phrases at my door
screaming and moaning
pleading for a fair score
"let us out, let us free"
they begged
all of the things I never said

the things I never said
as they topple from their throne
I'm giving them to you now
in hopes they will leave me alone

A little poem I wrote
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Da-Vos Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013
Alrighty now... a poem! This is a nice little surprise!
Firstly, i do have to take your age into consideration here, but at the same time i am not going to talk down to you for it... just understand you are very near my son's age if i do bring it up XD

Now, for the writing of a thirteen year old, i would call this a great potential piece. You are clearly taking the time to read and study what you are reading... the is a definite and clear intention and with this poem, a structure and rhythm. This attention to classical style and ridged structure are both the strongest and weakest point of the poem. That you are not using the classic "it's poetry" excuse to string together pretty words and call it art... you are still young and expanding your vocabulary... and having a strict rhyming scheme makes with a limited pallet of words has affected it's flow, making it sound a little clunky when read aloud.  My second criticism would be it's vagueness... though it is clear that is the intent... makes the very abrupt ending feel out of place, and i don't think it has the same feeling of closure you intended it to. Or if the reader is meant to be left with exactly that, the unsettled feeling of unfinished business, it would have been nice to have been eased into it, as i was the feeling of being haunted by the past.

For the some one so young to tackle such a dark theme, one of regret and loss, is daring. And though poem is short, and it does not give detail about the dark history it alludes to, and at times seems to reach for a darkness beyond your years.... it also has impact beyond your years. I would say keep it, and keep at it hard. And while i would suggest you try some more "free form" writing with less concern about rhyming and focus more on exciting vocabulary, while keeping up the practice of the more classical poetic styles. Perhaps try reeling it back to themes closer to your own heart, creating settings for your emotional narratives or possibly even characters and get really descriptive. And never stop reading! The more varied your own collection, the more creative your own style will become.

A solid three star effort, with so much room and potential to improve!!!
:star: :star: :star:
silvermoon601 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks so much for the critique~
KurlyCrazyKat Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, this is marvelous! Beautifully done! I need to start putting some of my poems on here, I doubt they're as awesome as this though...
silvermoon601 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you:D
KurlyCrazyKat Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
+fav it 'cuz I Heart it and you are now in my deviantART 
silvermoon601 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Student General Artist
Dinoboy134 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013
Not bad
EmilytheHedgehogFTW Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Bootiful, you are very talented indeed o3o 
silvermoon601 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Righteous-Scalliwag Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I like this especially because it seems original--especially the last 2 lines.  A lot of poems on here have the same message in different words and the poets think they're being unique.  They're not.  This is :)
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